Looks Can Be Deceiving….

As the title suggests, looks can be deceiving. The posts we post to facebook are never the ones where we are sad, unhappy, struggling with life, with other humans or with our own demons. The image I have selected however is a reminder of one of my most favourite places in the world. It reminds me that peace and happiness can be found anywhere, but here in particular, is where I feel home...

We post things to facebook, that to the outside world appear to make us look "normal" or happy. And most times we genuinely are! Really! Those beautiful posts with new friends, family and other awesome events that come up in my life are truly happy events that I am very grateful for.

I have found this to be a problem because now many of my friends and family assume that I am happy most of the time (and generally I really am!). That transitioning to a new country is not a huge deal. That they don't need to check in, or send messages, or see how I am doing because for the most part I have always been pretty ok. What I didn't know is that this would be one of the hardest transitions of my life so far. As of today, and every day prior, I would be so happy to pick up and move home and be in Kyle and Erin's wedding, hug Liv, be at Havelock at this very moment celebrating with beautiful people, see Santi grow up, hang out with my sister and spend time with my parents. I want to go home.

But I have chosen not too. I have chosen a path that takes me away from some of the people that I love most in the world. In Jinhua, it was no problem in comparison to Singapore. People have said how easy it would be to live here, how beautiful the country is, how awesome my life would be here but this has been the hardest transition I have ever done in my life.

I have never been more unhappier, more out of my comfort zone, and more ready to book a plane ticket and move back into a bunkey in Muskoka to see my friends get married and just celebrate. My head tells me every day to give up and move back home. The stress of a new school, finding my own place in a new city has seriously been too much.

While apartment hunting last week my body actually shut down. It was a very scary moment for me. I couldn't talk, I couldn't think straight, and I couldn't make decisions. I am still sorting out what to make of it all. Am I "ok" many people ask? Do you like Singapore? Do you like the School? How do you answer those questions truthfully without sounding like a spoiled traveller? No, I'm not ok, I am living in a beautiful apartment, with a beautiful view where my rent is paid for and the school is world renowned and there is ample opportunity to do anything you want in the world in the city I live in. I have air conditioning and food in my fridge and a bed to sleep in, but I feel like shit. You cannot express that to people, you sound ridiculous.

So. There it is. The truth is out there. And I hope that it gets better. I hope that I can turn this around. There are really good people here, and I've met a few. I'm not at all saying that every moment has felt like this, but overwhelmingly too many of my moments so far have.

So, I guess the point is, looks can be deceiving. We all have our stories, check in with your friends, see how they are really doing. You never know when that "warm fuzzy" note is going to make someones day. I'm not going to end this blog with my usual thinking positively and trying to make some good out of this situation because well, right now is not the time for me.

I know and appreciate just how lucky I am to be where I am, doing what I am doing. Which is why it makes it even harder to express negativity. Point is, I know it will get better, and if it doesn't I will deal with that as the time comes. Call your bestie, tell them you love them. And never forget to hug.  xo.