A Gypsy Heart

Life of a traveller. Or a gypsy heart. When you have lived overseas for many years, you run into the "problem" of having a lot of choices. You know how many amazing places there are in the world to live, and as a Canadian teacher, you could live in almost any of them.

As I sit and feel/think about where I should make my next move, I am struck by the sheer amount of choices I have. Places I have loved living, places I would like to live, places I don’t even know about living, and don’t want to miss out on the opportunity of living there. If I move to x...I will miss out on what I could be doing at y...and if I move to y….and dislike living there, I will have to pick up and move to z.... It’s all a bit of a gamble when you’re having trouble listening to your heart.

Gypsy Hearts. We love moving. We love staying. We love new places. We love old friends. We love making new ones. Where does that leave your heart? Confused. Utterly and totally confused. For brief moments in time we are content. New country, new culture, new accommodation, new coworkers, and new friends; all coming with their own ups and downs. Then, it seems after a few years, it is time to move on. To seek out a new home. We venture “home” to visit  family and friends, and are are reminded of why we love to travel. Then, we head back out to travel, and are reminded of how much we love and miss our family and friends. Where does this cycle end?

Is there a place in the world where someone with this gypsy heart wants to live for more than a few years? Do we spend our entire lives searching for this place? Always having that feeling of "I know it’s out there, but I just need to find it." Is this “home” we are looking for inside our hearts? Is there some way of finding comfort in the gypsy lifestyle? What matters more? Place or career. Career or place? Friends? Family? What makes the place you love the reason you stay there, or leave?

I still do not have the answers to these questions. If I did I guess I wouldn’t be writing this blog. There are things I love about almost everywhere I have lived. I know pretty amazing people all over this world. If I had not decided to get up and move over 30 times, I would not know the rock star people I do. At the same time, I still have not found that place, that career, that space where I want to be. Where I look around and think, I never, ever want to leave here. This is my home.

But maybe that life isn’t for those hearts. Maybe we need to find that career which allows us to continually travel and meet up with friends and family all over the world. One of the best parts about traveling is sharing new stories with old friends, being silly with people who know you so very well, and having a couple of glasses of wine while getting to know each other all over again. Maybe the gypsy heart needs to embrace change, and know that there isn’t one place for her. That everywhere is where she wants to be.

That kind of sounds like the dream doesn't it?

Big Love.

Melanie

Melanie's Life To Do's

I was reading a Blog today about  "While We're Alive" bucket list. It was pretty fantastic to see all of the things they have experienced through their travels. And the sheer amount of things they have crossed off their list.

First, this made me miss travelling and feel frustrated that I have been kind of restricted to my home for the past four months. Then there was a hint of jealousy for not having my own pretty awesome list, and the fact that even if I wanted to at the moment, travelling is not really an option.

Then I realised that I have a pretty awesome list of things I have experienced. Most of them were never on a list, they just happened. I am very much a list person, so I find it annoying to do something cool and not have a list to check it off of. So here's my list of "Things I Would Like to Do" - which will be added too as I go a long . I have also added my list of things that I never knew were going to happen, but did anyways, and I'm glad they did.

It is beautiful to take time to reflect on where you have been and how far you have come. Without understanding our past, it is hard to see why we are where we are right now, and just how we got here. This is a blog about reminding myself of just how beautiful this life I am living has been so far. Enjoy. :).

My Continuing (when I get a chance to do) List: in no particular order

• Ireland (the plan is summer 2016 - let's see!)- sit in a pub and listen to Irish music, meet beautiful humans, drink Guinness, see the Giant's Causeway, road bike on some beautiful windy roads and stay in a castle, and some awesome little B&B on the ocean. Stand at the edge of a cliff and breathe in the fresh air. 
• Nepal or Tibet or Mongolia or all three!  I want to hike in a place where there are few people and only local villages. I want to do this sustainably with a company that gives back to their community. I want to immerse in the culture and stay in a yurt. Yep. That's the dream. 
• Europe - Paris, London, and wherever else the train takes me. 
• The Desert - location - anywhere, likely in the Middle East. 
• Australia - the plan is Christmas 2015 - almost there!
• Iceland
• Eastern Canada
• Japan - during the Cherry Blossom season
• Sri Lanka
• South America
• Hollywood
• Germany
• Amsterdam
• Alaska
• Hawaii
• Quit drinking for one year (four months in...who knows this one may or may not be accomplished!)
• Vegetarian for one year - or life
• A career which allows me to give back to the world in a big, big way
• Be internationally recognised for doing something awesome
• Own a home
• Reiki healer
• Yoga instructor certificate
• Student Debt Free (This one is on the way! Was at $40,000, down to $17,000 in three years!)
• Meet Oprah Winfrey (why not?!)
• Play a part in the Y&R (a girl can dream right)
• Fall in loooooveeeeee
• Have a beautiful wedding
• Have enough money to fly all my friends to come visit me wherever I live
• Have a garden and eat my own vegetables
• Frame all of my beautiful art and hang it in my home
• Live by mountains and water
• Have a six pack (abs, not beer!)
• Write a book and have it published
• Go on a yoga/meditation retreat in India
• Live Love
• Travel to remote villages and use my skills to help build sustainable development plans for those communities
• Own a cottage in Muskoka 
• Empower young women in education
• Educate on Gender issues
• Heal
• Meditate with regularity and clarity
• Have a healthy soul, body and mind

Some of my accomplishments and events that have me  (some were on my list, and some were not)

• Survived a violent attack by a man who is in jail indefinitely for his actions. 
• Survived not one, but two surgeries to have cysts removed that I did not know were there. 
• Survived Cancer (and still healing)
• Travelled to Africa, China and Singapore - NONE of which were on any list I had ever made. 
• Thailand - Elephant Sanctuary (also not on a list)
• Worked at a Heli-Skiing Lodge and was fortunate to fly in a helicopter to work! I got to fly in a helicopter on my birthday, and heli-ski all winter! Beautiful. 
• Lived in the mountains for 10 years, learned how to ski and snowboard (moderately!)
• Teach and travel (was on the list forever)
• Attended University - TWICE! 
• College (in Belleville, who knew I would live there?!) So happy because this brought me closer to my family
• Gain a spiritual connection
• Yoga retreat Thailand
• Quit drinking for four months (still going strong!)
• Lived in China and taught
• Live in Singapore and teaching! 
• Trave to Africa 
• Work in a daycare in Banff, which would lead me to make some of the most beautiful friends I still have today
• Work at Indian Head Camp in Pennsylvania
• Work in an office setting at The Banff Centre and worked with beautiful humans, and learned so much about Leadership Development
• Work in Squamish, BC at an Outdoor Education Centre
• Work in Outdoor Education at Kinark - the first organisation that took a chance on me and guided my career. 
• Made beautiful friendships all over the worlds

This is not the end of my list, but it is a start. It is a reminder of the things I have accomplished, and the things I want to work towards. Thank-you for reading. xx

Lessons Learned from 5 Weeks on my Couch

Many people assume that I went stir crazy being at home for five weeks, that I must have been getting antsy to get back to work, and be "busy" again. The truth is I was and am quite happy doing what I am doing. Of course I missed my students, however, these five weeks off (mixed in with two weeks of work) have been beautiful. I've put together a list of some of the things I have learned spending time with me.

The Universe has given me the gift of solitude.
A time to be with myself, to reflect and to see all the beautiful things I have been given because of this diagnosis. From meditation, to journaling, to painting, going for a walk, hospital visits every other day, surprise hospital visits, reading, and practicing "being here now" has kept me in a good space. This has allowed my body to heal at the rate it needs too without interference of regular every day life.

My body will decide when and how and at what rate it will heal. 
Hey guess what, news flash Melanie, you cannot control when or how your body decides to heal. Just because it isn't healing at the rate I want it to, doesn't mean it isn't healing. What I can do is everything in my power to give it the energy and health it needs to do what it needs too. I have incorporated meditation, reiki, journaling, painting, green veggies like I have never eaten before in my life, quit drinking, stopped eating pasta and rice. I've added in quinoa, VEGGIES, did I mention veggies, and all sorts of other things I hadn't been eating in a long time. I can feed my body what it needs, give it all the healing power it needs, and the rest is left up to time. Our bodies are amazing, I cannot believe that it can just heal itself, the body wants to heal. It is quite amazing to see the progress.

Sometimes we are forced to live moment to moment.
I have a habit of continually thinking about the future - what am I going to do next? What is my next job after this one? What will I do on my vacation? Where else in the world do I want to live? How will I get my report cards done? What will the kids do without me at school? You get the point. With this operation I have had to focus on being in the moment. I can't actually plan ahead too much because I never know what is going to happen next. Each moment brings the next, and at any one of those moments I could be headed back into the hospital regardless of what I had planned for the day. This has translated now into my work, because I go back Monday - and I can't plan for what will happen, I just have to take it moment by moment. This is hard for me, a little out of my comfort zone, but it feels good to appreciate what is happening right now. Because life is what is happening in this moment, not in my future.

Often the things we think are the most horrible events in our lives, are actually gifts, we just have to get through the layers of the most difficult wrapping paper we have ever removed, to see the beauty that lies inside.  
I was given a skin graft where the mole was removed, and 20% did not take, and has chosen to take its own path, and not the one of speedy healing. Or it is healing, just not the way I think it "should". And although this is prolonging my recovery I have realized that this little 20% has actually been a gift.
It has given me a chance to really put into practice all that I have wanted to do over the years (meditation, healthy eating, cooking, etc.), I have been given the opportunity to get to know my doctor quite well, and the office staff - who are amazing and always remember my name. I have had dinners with friends I never would have had made time for if I was working full time, I signed up for reiki, an essential oils course, had beautiful emails from my head of school, I have enlisted the help of a naturopath, incorporated meditation, take long walks, and the list goes on! All because this one little part has chosen a different path of healing.
I realize we all have varying levels of events that have happened in our lives, and trust me, I have as well - and every single time something seemingly horrible has happened, so much good has come from it. Know one's situation is worse or better than anyone elses, there is no comparison because we are all working on whatever it is we need to work on, to get where we need to go. 

Prayer works?
I am still struggling with this one. These two months have been a bit of a spiritual journey for me. I have been getting in touch with whatever it is that keeps us going and believing in humanity and ourselves. I cannot tell you how many people wrote to me and told me they were praying for me. People that are complete strangers, close family, friends and acquaintances. It was unreal, and in the end it doesn't matter what or who people were praying too, what matters is they did. Because my diagnosis, and recovery, have been all sorts of good news.
So does prayer work? Something did, and whatever energy was sent my way has kept me going, and given me the best outcome a girl could ask for. So I'll continue to pray, in my own way - and I hope you do too. Even if it is just thinking about someone else and hoping they have a good day. Who knows, if it doesn't work, know one was hurt.

Choosing happiness is something I work on every day.
It has been two months. My healing has gone forward exponentially and taken a huge step back as well. It is a roller coaster of emotions and trusting that I am on the right path. I would be lying if I said I felt positive every day, and that making the changes I have was easy. It wasn't. It hasn't been. It still isn't. I have missed some really cool experiences with my students, and will continue to miss some of the special events in the future. I have gained insight and health that I never would have done if this hadn't have happened. What I know is this; this is my path, my journey - and I am exactly where I need to be. When I choose happiness in every moment, and see that each present from the Universe is meant to make me a better person, then no matter what happens, I can make it through.


Sending big love from Singapore. Please comment - or write - or send a little note. I'd love to hear from you. xx

A Healing Journey

Dear You, Yes You,

It has been so long since I have last posted! I have taken a break from the blogging world in order to focus on the many other emotional aspects of moving to this new country. It has been a crazy ride so far, with many ups and downs (mostly downs) and until recently, I was pretty sure I was going to move back to Canada.

The good news is that although I love Canada, I have most recently really been enjoying Singapore and my job. Actually, I am pretty sure I am in love with both. Six months in and I have finally started to settle into this new journey. I have joined yoga classes, signed up for a painting class, joined a meditation class, and started running - so many awesome things. Life has been cruising pretty good since January.

The outer ring is where the plastic surgeon
 removed the skin to be sure all the cancer
is removed. 

In January, I had a worry with a mole on my back. I went to have it looked at on January 30th, by Dr. Nisha (who is a fireball, awesome, amazing dermatologist here in Singapore at the National University Hospital) who immediately sent me "upstairs" to have it biopsied that night. One week later - February 6th, she called me with the bad news, turns out it is malignant melanoma, and spreadable. Skin cancer - and not the good kind (if there is a "good" kind).

On February 9th - Monday I was in to see the plastic surgeon who scheduled me for a PET scan for Wednesday. She said there is a chance the cancer has spread throughout my body due to the poor location of the mole. Because it is in the middle of my back, she said it could have spread to any of the lymph nodes throughout my body. A PET scan will show if it has spread, or if there is anything else to be worried about. The plastic surgeon, by the way, who is also unbelievable and amazing - made some phone calls to be sure we would get the results Wednesday afternoon (the same day I went in for the scan) since she had me scheduled for surgery Thursday morning - only 7 days after being diagnosed. If the results were good - continue with surgery, if not other plans would need to be made.

* The person who did the PET scan happens to be from Toronto - and he has been fishing on Manitoulin Island. What are the chances?!

Mail from Jessica while I was in the hospital.
Things always come at the perfect time. 

On February 11th - at three in the afternoon I came in to hear my results from the PET scan. Good news and bad news. The cancer didn't spread. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. However, I have a cyst on the only ovary I have left that is over 7cm. in size - and worrisome (the cyst actually ended up being over 10cm. when they removed it laparoscopically - three hours and one small incision). Surgery is needed to remove the cyst. By 6pm that night I had seen the gynaecologist who specializes in laparoscopic surgeries (a less invasive surgery than my previous one which was a C-section), had two ultrasounds, briefed on what the surgery would entail, and was scheduled for two surgeries the next day.


During this time - I cannot tell you how much love and support I felt from around the world. The school I teach at, The Canadian International School - has been such a supportive employer. Between The Banff Centre, and CIS - I have worked at places that when hard situations hit your life, they are there for you 150%. Dealing with insurance, missing classes, informing parents, students, and giving me peace of mind so I can focus on healing, I was once again reminded of the importance of having an employer who cares about its employees and puts their health and well being first and foremost. I will never work for an organization who does not treat its employees as family. You never know when something will happen where you need the support and understanding of your workplace.

A very good friend of mine, Amber was on vacation in Vietnam when I found out the news. She booked a flight to Singapore to be my "nurse" for the week and to help take care of me. Friends from work dropped by to bring movies, sushi, love and support - family and friends from all over the world sending messages of love and support, it was overwhelming and beautiful. I am one lucky individual and am grateful to each and every single one of you.

So - back to the story. I went into surgery, Thursday, February 12th - and everything went well. A two night stay in the hospital - feeling like I may have been hit by a bus - and then home by Valentines day. I had my "Nurse Amber" to take care of me, grocery shop, make dinner, support, send emails, make phone calls when I couldn't - so much love for this woman.

This is a sponge which sucks up "stuff" through
a hose into a little case. It works 24 hours a day and I
carry it with me. It needs to be charged, and be sure it
is working at all times. 

Dr. Nisha stopped by my hospital room, (my dermatologist who started this whole process) and it was pretty amazing that only 14 days previous she took initiative, and here I am now, fingers crossed, cancer free. I am so grateful for Singapore and it's healthcare system, my insurance, my school, my friends and family, the doctors, the nurses, the admin, the list goes on and on and on. Everything has went exactly as it should, and so far with the best possible care I could have asked for.

I head back into the hospital today - to have my sponges changed, bandages changed and hopefully no infection has set in. By Wednesday, the final test results will be back, and I will hopefully know for almost sure, that I am in good health. What a journey this has been, and my body is quite an amazing machine, healing like nobody's business.

Drug Factory! 

Thank-you to each and every one of you. Your love, prayers and support have been so beautiful and needed in this healing process. I am thankful for each and every single person who has made this possible to be the easiest healing process it can be. I hope I do not have to see another hospital room for a long time.

Sending big love out there to every one of you. xoxxo

*UPDATE: The other night my machine that I am attached to malfunctioned. 4am alarm going off, saying that there is a leak. My first worry is that the sponge is going to deflate, and my whole skin graft falls off, and we are back at square one. Off to emergency with Amber we go, they taped up the leak, but couldn't do much more.  At 8:30am we head to see my plastic surgeon to be sure everything is in tact. Silver lining, she had my test results, They got ALL THE CANCER!!! Oh, and the tape job was fine, and sponge still intact. I go in today to have the vacuum removed - one more step forward. 

Nurse Amber making dinner

Delicious dinner.

Me taking creeper photo's of Amber on her "break". 

Delicious dinner on the patio. 

Looks Can Be Deceiving….

As the title suggests, looks can be deceiving. The posts we post to facebook are never the ones where we are sad, unhappy, struggling with life, with other humans or with our own demons. The image I have selected however is a reminder of one of my most favourite places in the world. It reminds me that peace and happiness can be found anywhere, but here in particular, is where I feel home...

We post things to facebook, that to the outside world appear to make us look "normal" or happy. And most times we genuinely are! Really! Those beautiful posts with new friends, family and other awesome events that come up in my life are truly happy events that I am very grateful for.

I have found this to be a problem because now many of my friends and family assume that I am happy most of the time (and generally I really am!). That transitioning to a new country is not a huge deal. That they don't need to check in, or send messages, or see how I am doing because for the most part I have always been pretty ok. What I didn't know is that this would be one of the hardest transitions of my life so far. As of today, and every day prior, I would be so happy to pick up and move home and be in Kyle and Erin's wedding, hug Liv, be at Havelock at this very moment celebrating with beautiful people, see Santi grow up, hang out with my sister and spend time with my parents. I want to go home.

But I have chosen not too. I have chosen a path that takes me away from some of the people that I love most in the world. In Jinhua, it was no problem in comparison to Singapore. People have said how easy it would be to live here, how beautiful the country is, how awesome my life would be here but this has been the hardest transition I have ever done in my life.

I have never been more unhappier, more out of my comfort zone, and more ready to book a plane ticket and move back into a bunkey in Muskoka to see my friends get married and just celebrate. My head tells me every day to give up and move back home. The stress of a new school, finding my own place in a new city has seriously been too much.

While apartment hunting last week my body actually shut down. It was a very scary moment for me. I couldn't talk, I couldn't think straight, and I couldn't make decisions. I am still sorting out what to make of it all. Am I "ok" many people ask? Do you like Singapore? Do you like the School? How do you answer those questions truthfully without sounding like a spoiled traveller? No, I'm not ok, I am living in a beautiful apartment, with a beautiful view where my rent is paid for and the school is world renowned and there is ample opportunity to do anything you want in the world in the city I live in. I have air conditioning and food in my fridge and a bed to sleep in, but I feel like shit. You cannot express that to people, you sound ridiculous.

So. There it is. The truth is out there. And I hope that it gets better. I hope that I can turn this around. There are really good people here, and I've met a few. I'm not at all saying that every moment has felt like this, but overwhelmingly too many of my moments so far have.

So, I guess the point is, looks can be deceiving. We all have our stories, check in with your friends, see how they are really doing. You never know when that "warm fuzzy" note is going to make someones day. I'm not going to end this blog with my usual thinking positively and trying to make some good out of this situation because well, right now is not the time for me.

I know and appreciate just how lucky I am to be where I am, doing what I am doing. Which is why it makes it even harder to express negativity. Point is, I know it will get better, and if it doesn't I will deal with that as the time comes. Call your bestie, tell them you love them. And never forget to hug.  xo.

Goodbyes….

I thought saying good-bye would get easier with time. This is my third time moving overseas. I won’t even begin to count the amount of times I have moved out West and have said goodbye to my friends and family in the East and vice versa. Saying goodbye does not get easier, it gets harder.

When I was 19 and went to college it was no problem! I think I literally thought, get me out of here! When I was 21 and moving to Banff for the first time, I was sad, but I was young and I didn’t think much about what I would miss not being home (and really, I was ready to go and experience the world). 14 years later, at least half a dozen times moving from East to West and back again, two trips to China, Africa, and now Singapore, goodbyes are harder than ever.

I can’t exactly pinpoint when and why they got harder but here are a few ideas I have come up with.  For those of you who say goodbye a lot, I think you might understand what I am saying. For those of you who might think it is easy for us to just up and move overseas, here is some insight as to what we are feeling inside.

Marriage and Kids

Most of my friends are now married with beautiful children – or are getting married and already have children. Seeing these little humans grow up over Skype is hard on the heart. These little people are growing up so fast and it really sucks not being here for their birthday parties, christenings, weddings, dinner parties, walks with the dog, Sunday volleyball, and everything else that goes a long with the things you celebrate with friends.

My parents are getting older

While I would like to believe that my parents are going to stay the same age forever, they are not. With each passing year I want to spend more and more time getting to know them. Skype has actually helped our relationship a lot. Because I live overseas we have to try a lot harder to keep in contact. In reality I actually see my parents more than I would if I lived in Canada, however it doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye to them every year and know that I will not physically see them for the next 11 months. Building a closer relationship with family makes it really hard to say goodbye.

My sister is Awesome

My sister and I were not close growing up. Our relationship has taken a very long time to develop. Over the past two summers when I have been home I have felt more love and respect for her than my heart can handle. She is a beautiful human and being far from her makes my heart hurt. I want to be close so that we can share more than one week a year together. Having a sister is a pretty special gift, and every year it gets harder to be away from a person that after 27 years of her being on this earth, I am just getting to know her.

Friends

I have a pretty strong bias, but I believe I have some of the best and most beautiful friends in the entire world.  I am so fortunate to know some very awesome people that live in some places that are very far away from the areas I move to. Keeping in contact and maintaining friendships living so far away takes some effort. I enjoy the time that goes into maintaining these friendships via snail mail, phone calls, Skype, and visits. But to really keep these people in my life at a level that I would like them to be at is difficult sometimes. Ironically, if I hadn’t moved to all these lovely places in Canada and overseas I would not know the awesome friends that I have. This year I found it really difficult to see everyone who I love in my life and spend quality time with them. I wasn’t able to do it and that sucked. It really, really sucked.

So why do it?

So why do I continue to move overseas and cry my face off every time I leave friends and family? It’s not a simple answer, and one that I am not even sure I know. 

When you get on that plane, and you are in a new place, and those goodbyes are far away, you can see the new adventure beginning, you can feel your comfort zone expanding, and more beautiful people about to appear in your life, you then realize that it just might be worth it. You realize, this is my journey; this is the path I am supposed to follow.

It would have been easy to stay in Ontario, especially this year, honestly. But, I left the house, got on the boat, got in the car, and I will get on that plane today, regardless of the doubts I have. I know that when I land in Singapore the excitement will start – and so will the Skype dates, phone calls with friends, I will see their kids grow, I will hear about their wedding’s, and bachelorettes, and births, and about all the adventures my friends are on, I will see photo's and cry and be happy for them, and new people will emerge in my life, and old friends will write, and for me, a new journey begins.